Thursday, December 5, 2013

Well That Was Different

Tonight at work, I had my first (and hopefully only) panic or anxiety attack.  I've never felt anything like that and it was a very scary feeling.  I couldn't stop shaking, my heart was pounding and I was crying uncontrollably.  I know what triggered it and I'm fine now.  Well, maybe a little bit shaky.

It goes back to my father's illness and me taking care of him.  I was assigned to work in the colorectal cancer research study tonight.  My father and grandmother both died of colon cancer.  I was at my desk reading about the type of research we would be doing and immediately began flashing back.  I felt uncomfortable at first and then my hands began trembling as I was typing.  I decided to go to the restroom and splash water on my face and wrists since I felt hot.  Then I went back to my desk and said "Fuck it" and bummed a smoke from a friend (I was weak).

When I got outside, it began.  I'm pretty sure Rob thought I was losing my mind.  Thank you for helping me keep my shit together!  I made it back inside and had sense enough to talk to the "sensible" supervisor.  He immediately took me into an office and I explained what was going on.  I was instantly removed from the project.  My relief was immediate.

Later I managed to speak to my friend at work I call "My Old Army Buddy."   He told me what I was feeling was PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder).  I tried to deny it.  I was never anywhere close to combat!   He grabbed and shook me and said  "But you were in trauma!"   And I guess I was.  I was fighting my memories.  I was fighting my Dad's cancer. I was fighting my mind.

I surrender. So I'm using this as my platform to say "Please, please get tested for colorectal cancer.  I know..oh how I know the tests are terrible..but it can save your life!!"   Please support Wounded Warriors Project and the American Cancer Society.  I'm going to bed now.


  1. I'm glad you were able to talk to a sympathetic supervisor and get taken out of that situation. And good for your ola Army buddy for helping you to understand what was going on.

    I hope today goes smoother for you.

  2. Wow... that's crazy, but completely understandable. I'm glad the supervisor understood what was going on.

  3. I get tested for everything each year. And, in between checks I stick camera's up my but to look for myself.

    On a serious note, my FIL died from Parkinsons and now i see it when others shake in the slightest. Sometimes I'm right, most of the time I'm right and now my friend is developing the same "look" my father-in-law had. I hate to ask him about it because it's none of my business, but if he's ignoring it that is very very bad.

    I'm glad your bosses allowed you off the project and please take a big internet hug from me.

  4. Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. I felt the hugs. I needed them! Much, much better tonight.

  5. The mind is a strange and wonderful thing! Sorry this happened but very glad you were in a place where people could help and you have blogger friends too! Hugs!