Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Trainwreck Ahead

I've been documenting a little of my journey on the dating site OK Cupid.  Honestly, there hasn't been a lot to document.  I've been chatting with exactly one guy on Y Messenger and that's it so far.  However, when perusing profiles the other night I came across this sweetheart of a guy.  I simply do NOT understand why no pretty young thing has not dragged this guy to the altar yet.  Not to marry.  But to sacrifice him to the gods of "How Not to Online Date."

Consider this your warning:  Trainwreck ahead!

"Online dating sites are like granola ... take away the fruits and the nuts, and all that's left are the flakes.

If this site is so fucking great, then why do I keep seeing the same people here, year after fruitless year? You'd think that they would have met someone by now and gotten off this insipidly vacuous site. Give it time ... they'll realize eventually, as I have, that this is a frustrating and completely futile endeavor. Looking for love online is a lot like digging for diamonds in a sewer. You might get lucky, but your odds of finding one are near zero, and in the meantime, you have to wade through an endless sea of shit.

So right about now, you're saying "if you hate this site so much, then why are you even here?"

Yes!  That's exactly what I'm wondering.  But please explain.

 I'm here because I would like to know if anyone shares my revulsion for this site and others like it. It would be very comforting to know that I am not alone in my defeated, pessimistic attitude toward online dating. Just so you know, I didn't arrive at this opinion overnight. Over the years, I have learned that the women I like won't look at me twice, and the women who like me are completely unappealing to me. And if by some miracle I do happen to make a connection with someone I find attractive, invariably one of three things happens: a) she has "too much going on right now" and doesn't have time to meet (the lamest, most transparent excuse in the world; if you don't have time to date, what are you doing on a dating site?), b) she turns out to have more issues than National Geographic, or c) she offers me the trifecta of dating rejection: she tells me that I'm a "nice guy", but she's "just not feeling it" and wants to be "just friends".

I keep hearing women say that they want a "nice guy", and all the women I know tell me that I am a nice guy (as well as being sweet, funny, intelligent, kind, honest, romantic, and all those other great qualities that women always say they want in a man), but after many years in the online dating arena, I have learned that being a "nice guy" doesn't mean shit. Nice guys really DO finish last. Clearly the women here are more materialistic, whether they will admit it or not. Being nice isn’t enough. They obviously want a man with something more, like a big house, a Mercedes, a job paying $100K a year, or a physique and good looks that would make George Clooney jealous. I don't have the house, the car or the money, but I always thought that physically, I was at least halfway decent. I know I'll never be on the cover of GQ, but I'm better than some, not as good as others. However, after years of optimism being continually rewarded with rejection -- or worse, being casually and unceremoniously ignored -- I know now that I am completely unattractive to attractive women.

I'm absolutely certain, your unattractiveness to attractive women has NOTHING to do with your attitude.  He went on to say that he found that younger women don't ask to meet a nice guy but that 30-40 yr old women do because of years of being treated like shit by their husbands/boyfriends. However, his rant still isn't over.

So what it comes down to is this: given my aforementioned lack of material assets (no big house, no fancy car, no $100K job, and being obviously less than average-looking), coupled with the staggering abundance of women out there who have been irreparably fucked up by men, I have come to two immutable conclusions: 1) I have absolutely nothing to offer a woman, and no woman here or anywhere else will ever want me, and 2) there are apparently no women out there worth meeting anyway. In light of this humbling double epiphany, I have totally, absolutely and without reservation, given up.

When you get hit by the train enough times, you learn to stay off the tracks. (I give him a little credit here.  At least the guy knows he's a wreck!)

Oh and the piece de resistance:

What I’m doing with my life
Jacking off.

I’m really good at
Jacking off.

The first things people usually notice about me
My right arm is a lot stronger than my left.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Jacking off.

On a typical Friday night I am
Jacking off.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I jack off a lot.


Friday, February 14, 2014

FFF-VDay Edition

Word Limit: 100
Word Bonus: +100 for every time you've had your heart broken.
Required Word: Truth
Forbidden Word: Love
Extra Credit: Tell us your Valentine's Day plans!

"OMG!   I can't take this anymore!  I have got to get out of here!" Ella said pacing.

"No one is going to show for our fabulous 'All The Single Ladies Nite' party on Valentine's anyway. Not with all this snow.  Let's just go to the bar," she whined.  

Her roommate whooped and shouted "Let's go!"

They were greeted enthusiastically at the bar by the regulars and had shots in front of them before they even sat down.  They felt the music in their blood and hit the dance floor.  Neither of the ladies was lacking for a dance partner that night.  Despite the constant flow of hotties before them, their eyes followed each other gyrating on the floor that night.

They finally collapsed in their barstools.  The barkeep caught the signal and called a cab for them as they settled the tab.  "Only 10 bucks and we drank all night!" they high-fived and giggled as they stumbled out.  The poor cabbie tolerated their drunken shouted rendition of Beyonce on the way to the apartment.  

Stumbling in the door, they tumbled in a heap on the sofa.  

"I thought for sure you'd be going home with Kevin tonight finally," Emma told Colleen.  

"Oh he'll be back for sure," Colleen said.  "But truthfully I'm exactly where I want to be tonight," she whispered as she drew the soft pink lips down to meet hers.

I went a little different direction than I would normally take for a Valentine's Day story.  But that is the fun of FFF!  Pushing boundaries with a limited amount of words.  The extra 100+ words were earned by the number of heartbreaks you've had.  I went over by 100 and it could have easily been a 1000.  The one I still remember the most (and quite honestly will never get over) was the break up of my engagement.  Alas that's a story for another day.  

Hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day with your loved ones.  

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

A Good Start

Hi there.  Well, I got my profile set up on OKC finally.  Honestly, I got off to a slow start but I did get a picture posted pretty quickly.  Unbelievably I seem to have made a pretty good connection with just a picture.  He sent a very nice message and made it clear he's looking for someone to spend his life with.  Gulp.  Admittedly, I am a commitment-phobe.  I have nothing to lose so no need to feel that tiny little frisson of fear (my little pep talk moment, there).

So far we have moved to Yahoo Messenger and have begun the process of getting to know each other.  I have had to remind myself this is NOT like chatting with a man you meet on AM.  Chat tends to heat up very quickly with the men I've met there. Which is fine.  That's why we are on that site.  OKC is a more "traditional" site although there are options for the "married but looking" set and more casual encounters.

He likes sports, football especially and actually likes the same team as me!  Bonus!  He has a teenage daughter with whom he has a terrific relationship.  Thankfully he likes to cook as I cannot. At least not well.  He has a good sense of humor and seems to get mine.  He does live a bit further away than I would prefer but he says he is willing to travel to meet the right person.  Last night we exchanged phone numbers but it was a bit too late to call.  He is a night owl!  So that seems like a good beginning to me.  Will keep ya posted.

Friday, February 7, 2014

FFF-2/7-Roughing It

Word Limit: 300
Bonus Words: +50 if your team won yesterday.
Required Phrase: "Pitch a tent"
Forbidden Words: Mosquitoes, sunburn, poison ivy
Extra Credit: Tell us about one of your sexual (mis)adventures in the great outdoors.

"Hey, the next time we go camping, why don't we rough it at the spa that's over the next ridge?" she huffed as she helped lug firewood up the hill.

"You agreed to do this for me.  To help with all the work stress," he pouted.  "Is it really that bad spending time with me here in the great outdoors?  Look at that gorgeous sunset?" he said, pulling her in front of him and wrapping his arms around her.  She sighed and leaned back against him.  

"You're right, honey, it is beautiful here.  Let's go for a swim before YOU fix dinner," she grinned.  (That was a stroke of genius as a bargaining chip!)  They swam and splashed each other unmercifully.  The burgers were great and they even roasted marshmallows after dinner.  

She was concentrating on putting out the fire for the night not realizing she was starting another one.  He leaned back in his chair and watched the firelight on her skin, her shorts riding up and tightening most fetchingly.  She knew exactly what she was doing.  

"Come over here and help me with this tent."

"What!!  Did it fall down?"  Exasperated she turned around and then grinned when she saw what he meant.  "Ahhhh, you did pitch a tent."  She moved close to him and pulled him to her for a deep kiss as she rubbed him over his shorts.  She ran her finger under his waistband teasing him.  She kissed her way down his chest, stopping to tease his nipples.  He pushed her down gently and she dropped to her knees.  Looking up at him under her lashes.

"Please Sir, can I have s'more?" 

Happy TGIFFF everyone!  I'm sure everyone is ready for the weekend!  I sure am.  Technically I suppose I've already earned my extra credit since I wrote about some of my outdoor misadventures last summer.  But I will earn some extra, extra credit and write about a camping/whitewater rafting trip I took a few years ago. A group of us went camping and there were a few couples.  I had been seeing this guy all summer and we shared a tent that weekend.  We also shared a sleeping bag. Although I don't think we did much sleeping.  I didn't really think that much of it until the ride home. For some reason, I wound up riding with two of my other friends.  We were talking about the trip and re-living all the fun.  They were teasing me about my "sleeping" arrangements.  They mentioned how much fun I seemed to have and then I realized I must have been a bit louder than I perhaps should have been behind the tent flaps.  Lol.  That's ok, they were just jealous!

Hope you all have a terrific weekend!  Stay safe out there.  

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Going to OKC

No, I'm not going to Oklahoma City.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Actually I wouldn't know because I've never been there.  What I'm actually doing is dipping my foot in the OK Cupid pool.  Several of my friends have encouraged me to look there.  The price is!  For both women AND men (unlike AM where men have to pay).

So far I have uploaded a picture.  I am still working on the all important profile.  And I began answering the 1000s of questions they throw at you.   That is how this site "matches" you.  They give you all kinds of deep, thought provoking questions like "Are you a cat person or a dog person?" (Remember that's the takeaway from the movie The War of the people marry cat people and dog people, etc) so I can understand that question.  But then they started giving me SAT-like problems which immediately set off anxiety of a whole different sort.  Am I trying to get into college again?  What if I don't get accepted and have to go to my "safety" school?

Thankfully my friend, Thomas of Three Spelling Mistakes fame offered me a link to a helpful article about what makes a profile successful.  Apparently women should talk about "guy stuff" and men should mention crafts (wtf!) and talk about weddings.  Hmmmm.  I'm not sure about the "crafty" men but I can sure talk sports with the best of them.  I like sports, especially football, college basketball and even NASCAR (YES it's a sport!!).

So let the journey begin.  I have actually already received an interesting message although the gentleman (gets benefit of the doubt...for now) isn't exactly nearby.  I swear some of these guys posted their official mug shot.  And to the guy who says he is 37 and you clearly were...40 years ago, please just don't even think of contacting me.  Right now I'm optimistic and think this is going to be fun.  Or at least interesting.  That's one of those deep thoughts with Jack Handy-type questions they ask.  "Is it better to be fun or interesting?"  Well, duh.  Why can't it be both!!