Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Highs and Lows

Depression is a funny thing.  It sneaks up on you (well me) so quickly and I often don't realize how down I am until I'm up again.  I know I have been very depressed the last 4 months.  I don't want to leave my house and just want to crawl up in a little ball.  But then something will happen and I'll be high for a few a call about a job interview.  Then my brain kicks in with the overanalyzing and I inevitably wind up disappointed. The crash is even harder and I wind up lower than before.  So then I try to not get so excited when something positive does happen and then I just don't get emotional about anything.  You're just in a trance.  It's weird.

Today I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of me.  I was so stressed that my body is actually a little sore from how tight I was holding myself in control.  Everything is so much more relaxed now.  My shoulders are back in their normal position and not clinched in a ball around my ears.  While I know it will be a big adjustment re-entering the workforce and it won't solve all my problems, I am just so happy right now. And then I get news that my friend Jamie is moving away..farther away.  So now I'm back down a little bit but happy for him too.

I'm so grateful again to all of my friends for hanging in with me.  I tried very hard not to bitch & moan too much about it here and I know the blog was quiet for awhile.   Things are definitely looking up.  Summer is coming and I love it after being cooped up all winter.  The flowers are blooming, everything is getting green and the smell of burgers on the grill is in the air (yum!).  This is going to be a great summer!!!  I can just tell.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

You May Want to Stand Back

Ahem.  May I have your attention please?

                              I GOT A JOB TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

I know this was an FFF prompt but it sums up exactly how I feel

I would like to say thank you to everyone who supported me and wished me well and gave me such encouragement.  It meant the world to me.  Can you hug the blogosphere?   ((HUGS))  It feels so good to be a real functioning member of society again.  Of course, I also want to print a disclaimer here because in 2 weeks (or less) I hope I won't be using this blog to bitch about my new job.  Thank you all again for such wonderful support.  What great internet friends I have.  XXOO.

Monday, April 21, 2014

The Question

It's the question I always get from men I interact with on AM.  And it's a legitimate one.  One that I had to sit down and seriously answer for myself.

"Why is a single lady looking around on Ashley Madison?"

I think of it as the online equivalent of "what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"

The very first time I logged on, I was single-but attached.  I was at the end of a 3 year relationship and I absolutely knew if we did get married, I'd be miserable and would wind up on AM eventually.  It was a fluke the first time.  I was a little tipsy, had read an article about it and got curious enough one night.  Shortly after I dumped the boyfriend, I remembered the account and logged onto my new "play" email.  It was nice getting attention from all those fun, flirty, handsome men.  (Hell, it still is!)

About the time I dumped the BF, I began dropping a lot of weight.  I was naive about that.  I immediately assumed that as soon as I was the size I wanted to be , the men would be knocking down my door.  Ummm...not exactly.   I live in a small town and the ratio of available women to available men in my age range is easily 5 to 1 or higher.  And they're very attractive women!  Competition is tough!

I went through a very long, very tough time in my 30's.  I was overweight and dealing with some extremely stressful family issues.  Even though I dreaded entering my 40's, it's been truly enlightening.  I began owning my feelings about my sexuality.  I realized I deserved whatever pleasure I could get for myself.  If wasn't getting it done, then "Hello, Ashley Madison!"

I researched online how to be discrete after I made my first serious contact.  By then I was reading blogs and absorbing as much info as I could.  (Thank you Ryan and thank you Kat!)  When I sat down to answer the "Why?" question for myself, I knew first of all I was NOT looking to steal anyone's husband there--period!  I had absolutely no expectations that anyone is leaving their wife/gf/SO for me.  Honestly my motives were purely sexual.   I was horny and looking to get laid.  I felt like if I blatantly stated that on Match, I would be judged.  Not so on AM.  The men there were looking for the same thing--although if they're smart they'll dress up their profiles a bit and make it subtly suggestive and not so "wanna fuck, baby?"

Secondly I knew if I did get involved with someone beyond just sex, I was going to have to accept whatever they could give.  There would be rules and I am fine with that.  It has never been--nor will it ever be my intention to get anyone busted or in trouble.  I absolutely understand the risks involved.  I've seen it firsthand in my own home growing up.  Do not ever forget this is very serious business and can even be dangerous.  I would try very hard to keep my emotions under control or be prepared to walk away.

Thirdly, I was not looking for a sugar daddy.  I've always considered myself to be very independent.  Most things I've wanted, I've worked hard for and bought myself.  Now that's not to say I don't enjoy the occasional present , I do and am very appreciative, I just didn't expect it from anyone.  Quite honestly I've never had anyone offer (or even heard of a lady being offered) any type of "let me be your sugar daddy" situation on AM.  There are other sites if both parties are looking for that. I thought that it might be something I'd happen to see on the site and just made it "my rule."

In the almost 2 years I've been on the site, I think I've handled things well.  I feel a lot more confident and think I've been pretty successful in the men I've chosen to correspond with.  Even more with the few men I've met face-to-face.   I tend to communicate a bit more before a F2F than I'm sure most men prefer but I find that works for me and I'm comfortable with it.  I DO NOT respond well to being pressured!  I am also not an "email queen"--one of those infamous women who email forever with no intention of ever meeting.  I have my own time table for these things based on chemistry and my gut.

I've also had the good fortune to meet a few attached men through the blog.  One, of course is,  Rob, whom I consider to be a good friend.  The other is a longer distance relationship and I know we'll only ever get to meet infrequently.  However, we try our best to keep things as hot as possible between meetings.  The bloggers and blog fans are a bit different as one or both parties know a lot about the other possibly before making contact but I think the rules for myself still apply.

AM men seem to come and go quickly (pun sorta intended).  As I see often in profiles on the site:  I am not looking to change your status....or mine.  I enjoy being single most of the time.  I just want us both to have a little fun.  "Flirt, luv, laugh" is a line from my actual profile and I think it answers the "why am I here" question very well.

Friday, April 18, 2014

FFF-4/18-The Mermaid

Word Count: Minimum 200, Maximum 400
Bonus Words: +100 if you can explain why she's wet... and wearing heels.
Required Word: Found
Forbidden Word: Lost
Extra Credit: How many men are in this picture?


She had grown up watching the four boys.  When they were all young kids, she would sneak to the edge of the shore and play with them.  It had been easy then to hide her true self in the sand.  Their parents would laugh at the boys' tales of the mermaid that came to play with them in the sea.  Every summer they would show up and every fall she would watch them pack up and leave, the boys waving to her from the window.  One day they would all live in the big cliff house together she dreamed.  

As the years passed one or two of the boys would be away at camp or summer school, still she was there to romp and play and splash with them and their friends.  Then one spring her mother pulled her aside and gave her "the talk."  She was older now and things and her mother told her she could no longer go near the boys.  They were no longer children but young men and women and things could be dangerous for her.  Of course, like any rebellious teenager, she didn't listen.  

That summer her mother was right.  They had matured into four handsome young men.  Still she had to go close.  As she appeared out of the waves, she could see them stop their roughhousing and staring at her with mouths open.  No wait!  They were staring at her bare chest!!  The boys whooped and began chasing after her.  She swam quickly away.  What had happened to them, she thought.  From that summer on she would watch but didn't approach.  Then in her 18th year they stopped coming to the shore altogether.  Where had they gone she wondered.  For 6 summers, no one showed.  But she knew they would be back this year.  She had told them the secret of the 25th summer when they were kids.

She began making her preparations all that 24th winter.   Her dream would finally come true and she could go ashore and live for a year.  At last she could shed her scales and tail and wear gorgeous shoes and run and stretch her legs.  The morning of May 31 slowly dawned and she climbed out of the water and turned and waved bye to her mother.  She slid on the heels she had so long admired and began climbing the far side of the cliff above the house.  As she approached she knew she was right.  All four men were there going about their chores.  The men gradually stopped what they were doing as she approached them.  

"Hello boys.  Remember me?  I'm the mermaid."  

Happy FFFriday!  I realized when I began writing that this was starting to remind me a bit of the movie, Splash, one of my favs from the 80's, so I had to change it up a bit.  Hope you all have a very nice Easter.   

Saturday, April 12, 2014

TGI Friday!

Today was a good day.  What an absolutely beautiful spring day!  Picture perfect Carolina blue skies.  In fact it was a good day for a drive to Carolina.  As posted recently I had a lunch date with a new guy I met on AM.   We just started chatting this week actually.  I don't normally meet that quickly but I immediately felt comfortable with JT.

We were meeting for lunch in a nearby city about halfway between our homes.  I was just about to walk out the door when he called to say he was running an hour late and could we change the time and place.   That was fine with me as I am more familiar with the other city.  We timed it well and arrived within minutes of each other.  He looked great.  And he smelled absolutely delicious!!!

Lunch went well as we began getting to know each other.  He has a very dry, droll sense of humor.  As lunch drew to an end, I was given 3 options.  We could say "thanks for lunch, have a nice life," sit and drink the afternoon away or continue the conversation in a more private place.  I teased him a bit and pretended to call the waitress over for another drink.  Of course I chose #3 and followed him to the motel.

The room was small but it had the most important feature: a bed.  I was lounging on it reading the little HBO guide when he leaned over and began kissing my neck.  MMMMM...neck kisses.  So hot!  Then we rolled over and he began nibbling my nipples, gently teasing and biting.  I reached for his cock and began stroking him.  He was leaking precum and I drew off a drop and brought it to my lips to suck off my thumb.  I loved his reaction when I did that.  We explored each other's bodies--touching and squeezing and playing.  Then he climbed on top and I wrapped my legs around him.  We fit together well and he had a nice thick hard cock.

After, we cuddled a bit and rested up for Round 2.  He suggested I suck his cock to get it big so he could fuck me from behind.  Who would argue with that?  I love giving head!  I licked and teased him, running my tongue over his head and stroking him.  However, he was very quiet but still hard as a rock.  I looked up at him and his head was thrown back and he finally groaned in pleasure.   I went back to work lick and sucking his cock until inevitably my jaw got sore.  I climbed up beside him and he kissed me deeply.  I thought he wanted to fuck me doggy style but he rolled me onto my back and fucked me hard, deep and fast.  We both came very hard.

We lay there panting and then he very nicely got up and poured us some water.  We snuggled and kissed a bit.  But then I hate it when I hear that sigh that tells me it's time to get up and get dressed.  We did take a quick shower together and had a little more fun soaping each other up.  On the way home I put in a CD of our favorite band and texted him (while stopped in traffic) and thanked him for a wonderful afternoon.

As I write this, I am still smiling.  It was an afternoon of some very much needed stress relief.  What a great kickoff to the weekend.

But little did I know this weekend was about to get even better!  More on that later. :)  TTFN.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Going Back

Sorry for the preemptive post today.  Here it is finally.  

I said I wasn't going to go back there.  By there I meant Ashley Madison.  I was going to focus on OK Cupid.  That fizzled out quickly.  I did make contact with one guy but he lived too far away to really meet regularly.  That was, of course, my goal on OK Cupid--to meet someone to go out with. I wanted a date on national holidays.

Flashing forward a few months and I'm sitting at home alone, bored, one evening.  I glance at the apps on my phone and the AM app catches my eye.  "I haven't been on in awhile, " I thought.  "I'll just pop in and see if there are any new messages."  Of course there are.  And of course I don't just check messages.  I had to have a look around and check out the new blood.  It's rare that I send a message first on that site.  (Quite honestly women get lots of messages and can pick and choose.)  But something about his profile caught my eye and I sent a brief note basically wishing him a good week.  

I got a quick response which is nice.  We quickly moved off the site to instant messaging.  By that point it was late and we made arrangements to chat the next day.  He seems to be a pretty easy going guy.  Funny and a Southern gentleman...but not too much.  We've talked on the phone several times and he seems very attentive.

So tomorrow I actually have a lunch date.  With the possibility of dessert.  Maybe my luck is finally changing. Now if landing a job were just that easy.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


That is kind of how I'm feeling lately.  Some days and even some minutes, I'm up and then give it time and I'm back down again.  I haven't posted much simply because there isn't much to say.  I am STILL looking for work and I'm quietly going insane(er) sitting at home all the time.  I did work at the Big Sporting Event in town last weekend and it was a lot of fun.  I was a bartender in the hospitality suites which was something I haven't done before and I really enjoyed it.  So I am appealing to you, my lovely blog readers, to send prayers or good wishes, light candles, sacrifice virgins (yeah right!) to whatever deity you worship (if any) that I can PLEASE find a job very soon.

My little OK Cupid experiment seems to have fizzled out before it even began.  A lot of it is I just don't have any enthusiasm.  I don't feel I can bring much to the table right now.  I know I am a little depressed (ok a lot probably).  Not having any resources will do that.  I'm through whining now.

I did have a little reason to perk up last week.  A friend that I have been chatting with over a long period was in a nearby town recently.  He is the same age as me and we have a lot in common.  We laugh and joke around a lot and even "watch" our show together on Monday nights.  (The anyone else hooked?)  We've never met in person, however.  But as happened last year, he was in town for work and was putting in 14 hour days.  So strike 2.  We never did get to meet.  It's a shame, too.  He is really a great guy and we chat and talk all the time about getting together.  But when he's within striking distance, he just seems to disappear.  You know he's wishy-washy.  But wait.  He'll be back in the area next week.  A little further away but still close by.  So we'll see what (if anything) happens.

So that's what I'm up to these days.  I'm up and down and all around.  Highs and lows and the hits just keep on coming.  Thanks again to anyone still reading.  Hopefully soon I'll have some fun sexy things to post. Spring and summer are on their way (hopefully) and that always seems to help.