Monday, April 21, 2014

The Question

It's the question I always get from men I interact with on AM.  And it's a legitimate one.  One that I had to sit down and seriously answer for myself.

"Why is a single lady looking around on Ashley Madison?"

I think of it as the online equivalent of "what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"

The very first time I logged on, I was single-but attached.  I was at the end of a 3 year relationship and I absolutely knew if we did get married, I'd be miserable and would wind up on AM eventually.  It was a fluke the first time.  I was a little tipsy, had read an article about it and got curious enough one night.  Shortly after I dumped the boyfriend, I remembered the account and logged onto my new "play" email.  It was nice getting attention from all those fun, flirty, handsome men.  (Hell, it still is!)

About the time I dumped the BF, I began dropping a lot of weight.  I was naive about that.  I immediately assumed that as soon as I was the size I wanted to be , the men would be knocking down my door.  Ummm...not exactly.   I live in a small town and the ratio of available women to available men in my age range is easily 5 to 1 or higher.  And they're very attractive women!  Competition is tough!

I went through a very long, very tough time in my 30's.  I was overweight and dealing with some extremely stressful family issues.  Even though I dreaded entering my 40's, it's been truly enlightening.  I began owning my feelings about my sexuality.  I realized I deserved whatever pleasure I could get for myself.  If wasn't getting it done, then "Hello, Ashley Madison!"

I researched online how to be discrete after I made my first serious contact.  By then I was reading blogs and absorbing as much info as I could.  (Thank you Ryan and thank you Kat!)  When I sat down to answer the "Why?" question for myself, I knew first of all I was NOT looking to steal anyone's husband there--period!  I had absolutely no expectations that anyone is leaving their wife/gf/SO for me.  Honestly my motives were purely sexual.   I was horny and looking to get laid.  I felt like if I blatantly stated that on Match, I would be judged.  Not so on AM.  The men there were looking for the same thing--although if they're smart they'll dress up their profiles a bit and make it subtly suggestive and not so "wanna fuck, baby?"

Secondly I knew if I did get involved with someone beyond just sex, I was going to have to accept whatever they could give.  There would be rules and I am fine with that.  It has never been--nor will it ever be my intention to get anyone busted or in trouble.  I absolutely understand the risks involved.  I've seen it firsthand in my own home growing up.  Do not ever forget this is very serious business and can even be dangerous.  I would try very hard to keep my emotions under control or be prepared to walk away.

Thirdly, I was not looking for a sugar daddy.  I've always considered myself to be very independent.  Most things I've wanted, I've worked hard for and bought myself.  Now that's not to say I don't enjoy the occasional present , I do and am very appreciative, I just didn't expect it from anyone.  Quite honestly I've never had anyone offer (or even heard of a lady being offered) any type of "let me be your sugar daddy" situation on AM.  There are other sites if both parties are looking for that. I thought that it might be something I'd happen to see on the site and just made it "my rule."

In the almost 2 years I've been on the site, I think I've handled things well.  I feel a lot more confident and think I've been pretty successful in the men I've chosen to correspond with.  Even more with the few men I've met face-to-face.   I tend to communicate a bit more before a F2F than I'm sure most men prefer but I find that works for me and I'm comfortable with it.  I DO NOT respond well to being pressured!  I am also not an "email queen"--one of those infamous women who email forever with no intention of ever meeting.  I have my own time table for these things based on chemistry and my gut.

I've also had the good fortune to meet a few attached men through the blog.  One, of course is,  Rob, whom I consider to be a good friend.  The other is a longer distance relationship and I know we'll only ever get to meet infrequently.  However, we try our best to keep things as hot as possible between meetings.  The bloggers and blog fans are a bit different as one or both parties know a lot about the other possibly before making contact but I think the rules for myself still apply.

AM men seem to come and go quickly (pun sorta intended).  As I see often in profiles on the site:  I am not looking to change your status....or mine.  I enjoy being single most of the time.  I just want us both to have a little fun.  "Flirt, luv, laugh" is a line from my actual profile and I think it answers the "why am I here" question very well.


  1. I'm not an AM user, but the whole concept is brilliant - if only they offered a voyeur plan that allowed me to scour the pages reading about all the married (and single) people on a quest to find sex. Probably explains my interest in the sex blogs. I do think you answer your question very well, too. "Flirt, luv, laugh"; I like it!

  2. What made you respond to one profile vs another? Very difficult to get responses. I think AM employees women to get the men to join and then they disappear. I have had this happen numerous times. They contact me I respond back then nothing.

    1. As a long time member, I do have to agree with you Phoenix -- as a male, its very difficult to get responses and its loaded with profiles planted by AM that are there strictly to lure your credits away. I never waste credits on a profile that has a public face pic (what married woman looking for a discreet relationship would possibly post a pic of her face on a site where anyone can browse around for free????) or one that constantly appears online 24/7. Those are the ones trying to sucker you into using their rip-off chat interface. But even those rules of thumb won't guarantee you avoiding the phony profiles.

      But having said all that, over time I've managed to filter the wheat from the chafe, and have had remarkable success with the site. Double-digit success, I might add. And if you both can stick to the "not looking to change my situation or yours" mantra, you can't beat the single girls! They've got so much more freedom and more often than not, a place of their own to play...

  3. I think that helps me understand your outlook more than I did before. I know some of it is just my wiring- I like to be in relationships and I hate living alone, so I'd want someone available to that.

    But fun can be a lot of FUN! :) I hope you continue finding some.

  4. Well said Simplicity! As a married gal that used to have a profile on AM, I had many of the same rules for myself and I was fortunate to meet a few men that were exactly what they claimed to be. It taught me a lot about myself, including realizing that I'm not a multi-partner kind of gal but I am a very sexual one that was seeking an occasional lover. I met "him" early on in my foray and after six months he was the only one I lusted for and kept interacting with, the long distance (over 3k miles) and infrequency be damned. It's been two years and each dalliance is so damn sexy, fun and intense I can't imagine not fucking him, if even only twice a year, for years to cum ;)