The Question

It's the question I always get from men I interact with on AM.  And it's a legitimate one.  One that I had to sit down and seriously answer for myself.

"Why is a single lady looking around on Ashley Madison?"

I think of it as the online equivalent of "what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"

The very first time I logged on, I was single-but attached.  I was at the end of a 3 year relationship and I absolutely knew if we did get married, I'd be miserable and would wind up on AM eventually.  It was a fluke the first time.  I was a little tipsy, had read an article about it and got curious enough one night.  Shortly after I dumped the boyfriend, I remembered the account and logged onto my new "play" email.  It was nice getting attention from all those fun, flirty, handsome men.  (Hell, it still is!)

About the time I dumped the BF, I began dropping a lot of weight.  I was naive about that.  I immediately assumed that as soon as I was the size I wanted to be , the men would be knocking down my door.  Ummm...not exactly.   I live in a small town and the ratio of available women to available men in my age range is easily 5 to 1 or higher.  And they're very attractive women!  Competition is tough!

I went through a very long, very tough time in my 30's.  I was overweight and dealing with some extremely stressful family issues.  Even though I dreaded entering my 40's, it's been truly enlightening.  I began owning my feelings about my sexuality.  I realized I deserved whatever pleasure I could get for myself.  If Match.com wasn't getting it done, then "Hello, Ashley Madison!"

I researched online how to be discrete after I made my first serious contact.  By then I was reading blogs and absorbing as much info as I could.  (Thank you Ryan and thank you Kat!)  When I sat down to answer the "Why?" question for myself, I knew first of all I was NOT looking to steal anyone's husband there--period!  I had absolutely no expectations that anyone is leaving their wife/gf/SO for me.  Honestly my motives were purely sexual.   I was horny and looking to get laid.  I felt like if I blatantly stated that on Match, I would be judged.  Not so on AM.  The men there were looking for the same thing--although if they're smart they'll dress up their profiles a bit and make it subtly suggestive and not so "wanna fuck, baby?"

Secondly I knew if I did get involved with someone beyond just sex, I was going to have to accept whatever they could give.  There would be rules and I am fine with that.  It has never been--nor will it ever be my intention to get anyone busted or in trouble.  I absolutely understand the risks involved.  I've seen it firsthand in my own home growing up.  Do not ever forget this is very serious business and can even be dangerous.  I would try very hard to keep my emotions under control or be prepared to walk away.

Thirdly, I was not looking for a sugar daddy.  I've always considered myself to be very independent.  Most things I've wanted, I've worked hard for and bought myself.  Now that's not to say I don't enjoy the occasional present , I do and am very appreciative, I just didn't expect it from anyone.  Quite honestly I've never had anyone offer (or even heard of a lady being offered) any type of "let me be your sugar daddy" situation on AM.  There are other sites if both parties are looking for that. I thought that it might be something I'd happen to see on the site and just made it "my rule."

In the almost 2 years I've been on the site, I think I've handled things well.  I feel a lot more confident and think I've been pretty successful in the men I've chosen to correspond with.  Even more with the few men I've met face-to-face.   I tend to communicate a bit more before a F2F than I'm sure most men prefer but I find that works for me and I'm comfortable with it.  I DO NOT respond well to being pressured!  I am also not an "email queen"--one of those infamous women who email forever with no intention of ever meeting.  I have my own time table for these things based on chemistry and my gut.

I've also had the good fortune to meet a few attached men through the blog.  One, of course is,  Rob, whom I consider to be a good friend.  The other is a longer distance relationship and I know we'll only ever get to meet infrequently.  However, we try our best to keep things as hot as possible between meetings.  The bloggers and blog fans are a bit different as one or both parties know a lot about the other possibly before making contact but I think the rules for myself still apply.

AM men seem to come and go quickly (pun sorta intended).  As I see often in profiles on the site:  I am not looking to change your status....or mine.  I enjoy being single most of the time.  I just want us both to have a little fun.  "Flirt, luv, laugh" is a line from my actual profile and I think it answers the "why am I here" question very well.