It's the question I always get from men I interact with on AM. And it's a legitimate one. One that I had to sit down and seriously answer for myself.
"Why is a single lady looking around on Ashley Madison?"
I think of it as the online equivalent of "what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"
The very first time I logged on, I was single-but attached. I was at the end of a 3 year relationship and I absolutely knew if we did get married, I'd be miserable and would wind up on AM eventually. It was a fluke the first time. I was a little tipsy, had read an article about it and got curious enough one night. Shortly after I dumped the boyfriend, I remembered the account and logged onto my new "play" email. It was nice getting attention from all those fun, flirty, handsome men. (Hell, it still is!)
About the time I dumped the BF, I began dropping a lot of weight. I was naive about that. I immediately assumed that as soon as I was the size I wanted to be , the men would be knocking down my door. Ummm...not exactly. I live in a small town and the ratio of available women to available men in my age range is easily 5 to 1 or higher. And they're very attractive women! Competition is tough!
I went through a very long, very tough time in my 30's. I was overweight and dealing with some extremely stressful family issues. Even though I dreaded entering my 40's, it's been truly enlightening. I began owning my feelings about my sexuality. I realized I deserved whatever pleasure I could get for myself. If Match.com wasn't getting it done, then "Hello, Ashley Madison!"
I researched online how to be discrete after I made my first serious contact. By then I was reading blogs and absorbing as much info as I could. (Thank you Ryan and thank you Kat!) When I sat down to answer the "Why?" question for myself, I knew first of all I was NOT looking to steal anyone's husband there--period! I had absolutely no expectations that anyone is leaving their wife/gf/SO for me. Honestly my motives were purely sexual. I was horny and looking to get laid. I felt like if I blatantly stated that on Match, I would be judged. Not so on AM. The men there were looking for the same thing--although if they're smart they'll dress up their profiles a bit and make it subtly suggestive and not so "wanna fuck, baby?"
Secondly I knew if I did get involved with someone beyond just sex, I was going to have to accept whatever they could give. There would be rules and I am fine with that. It has never been--nor will it ever be my intention to get anyone busted or in trouble. I absolutely understand the risks involved. I've seen it firsthand in my own home growing up. Do not ever forget this is very serious business and can even be dangerous. I would try very hard to keep my emotions under control or be prepared to walk away.
Thirdly, I was not looking for a sugar daddy. I've always considered myself to be very independent. Most things I've wanted, I've worked hard for and bought myself. Now that's not to say I don't enjoy the occasional present , I do and am very appreciative, I just didn't expect it from anyone. Quite honestly I've never had anyone offer (or even heard of a lady being offered) any type of "let me be your sugar daddy" situation on AM. There are other sites if both parties are looking for that. I thought that it might be something I'd happen to see on the site and just made it "my rule."
In the almost 2 years I've been on the site, I think I've handled things well. I feel a lot more confident and think I've been pretty successful in the men I've chosen to correspond with. Even more with the few men I've met face-to-face. I tend to communicate a bit more before a F2F than I'm sure most men prefer but I find that works for me and I'm comfortable with it. I DO NOT respond well to being pressured! I am also not an "email queen"--one of those infamous women who email forever with no intention of ever meeting. I have my own time table for these things based on chemistry and my gut.
I've also had the good fortune to meet a few attached men through the blog. One, of course is, Rob, whom I consider to be a good friend. The other is a longer distance relationship and I know we'll only ever get to meet infrequently. However, we try our best to keep things as hot as possible between meetings. The bloggers and blog fans are a bit different as one or both parties know a lot about the other possibly before making contact but I think the rules for myself still apply.
AM men seem to come and go quickly (pun sorta intended). As I see often in profiles on the site: I am not looking to change your status....or mine. I enjoy being single most of the time. I just want us both to have a little fun. "Flirt, luv, laugh" is a line from my actual profile and I think it answers the "why am I here" question very well.