Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Trainwreck Ahead

I've been documenting a little of my journey on the dating site OK Cupid.  Honestly, there hasn't been a lot to document.  I've been chatting with exactly one guy on Y Messenger and that's it so far.  However, when perusing profiles the other night I came across this sweetheart of a guy.  I simply do NOT understand why no pretty young thing has not dragged this guy to the altar yet.  Not to marry.  But to sacrifice him to the gods of "How Not to Online Date."

Consider this your warning:  Trainwreck ahead!

"Online dating sites are like granola ... take away the fruits and the nuts, and all that's left are the flakes.

If this site is so fucking great, then why do I keep seeing the same people here, year after fruitless year? You'd think that they would have met someone by now and gotten off this insipidly vacuous site. Give it time ... they'll realize eventually, as I have, that this is a frustrating and completely futile endeavor. Looking for love online is a lot like digging for diamonds in a sewer. You might get lucky, but your odds of finding one are near zero, and in the meantime, you have to wade through an endless sea of shit.

So right about now, you're saying "if you hate this site so much, then why are you even here?"

Yes!  That's exactly what I'm wondering.  But please explain.

 I'm here because I would like to know if anyone shares my revulsion for this site and others like it. It would be very comforting to know that I am not alone in my defeated, pessimistic attitude toward online dating. Just so you know, I didn't arrive at this opinion overnight. Over the years, I have learned that the women I like won't look at me twice, and the women who like me are completely unappealing to me. And if by some miracle I do happen to make a connection with someone I find attractive, invariably one of three things happens: a) she has "too much going on right now" and doesn't have time to meet (the lamest, most transparent excuse in the world; if you don't have time to date, what are you doing on a dating site?), b) she turns out to have more issues than National Geographic, or c) she offers me the trifecta of dating rejection: she tells me that I'm a "nice guy", but she's "just not feeling it" and wants to be "just friends".

I keep hearing women say that they want a "nice guy", and all the women I know tell me that I am a nice guy (as well as being sweet, funny, intelligent, kind, honest, romantic, and all those other great qualities that women always say they want in a man), but after many years in the online dating arena, I have learned that being a "nice guy" doesn't mean shit. Nice guys really DO finish last. Clearly the women here are more materialistic, whether they will admit it or not. Being nice isn’t enough. They obviously want a man with something more, like a big house, a Mercedes, a job paying $100K a year, or a physique and good looks that would make George Clooney jealous. I don't have the house, the car or the money, but I always thought that physically, I was at least halfway decent. I know I'll never be on the cover of GQ, but I'm better than some, not as good as others. However, after years of optimism being continually rewarded with rejection -- or worse, being casually and unceremoniously ignored -- I know now that I am completely unattractive to attractive women.

I'm absolutely certain, your unattractiveness to attractive women has NOTHING to do with your attitude.  He went on to say that he found that younger women don't ask to meet a nice guy but that 30-40 yr old women do because of years of being treated like shit by their husbands/boyfriends. However, his rant still isn't over.

So what it comes down to is this: given my aforementioned lack of material assets (no big house, no fancy car, no $100K job, and being obviously less than average-looking), coupled with the staggering abundance of women out there who have been irreparably fucked up by men, I have come to two immutable conclusions: 1) I have absolutely nothing to offer a woman, and no woman here or anywhere else will ever want me, and 2) there are apparently no women out there worth meeting anyway. In light of this humbling double epiphany, I have totally, absolutely and without reservation, given up.

When you get hit by the train enough times, you learn to stay off the tracks. (I give him a little credit here.  At least the guy knows he's a wreck!)

Oh and the piece de resistance:

What I’m doing with my life
Jacking off.

I’m really good at
Jacking off.

The first things people usually notice about me
My right arm is a lot stronger than my left.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Jacking off.

On a typical Friday night I am
Jacking off.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I jack off a lot.



  1. You know, I kind of get it though. Dating is hard, what with the bathing and grooming and not being crazy. After a while, it gets too frustrating pretending to be relatively sane, and when you decide to say “fuck it, I give up”, you want to go out with a bang.

  2. The "nice guy" rant always gets me. Fuck that shit. It means you think you're entitled to pussy because you're nice. Being nice means not having expectations about that being nice. Otherwise, you're just trying to manipulate her into fucking you, and that is definitely not nice.

    What a loser. Seriously.

  3. I am laughing my ass off...ooops...I mean this.

    It's almost beautiful that he has come to the point of absolute honesty.

    The "nice guy" thing is frustrating be cause I can understand how he feels. It does seem like many times girls will opt for the "bad boy" and friendzone the "nice guy".

    I think "nice guy" is a euphemism for "not interesting". The "bad boy" is interesting...doing and interesting. Where the "nice guy" is just...jacking off alone each night.

    I am sure the "bad boy" jacks off also but it is after playing in his band and hiking a mountain...he is basically jacking off in more interesting places.

  4. You should reach out to him and let him know that while he is a really nice guy you could never think of coming between him and his left hand! :)