Well That Was Different

Tonight at work, I had my first (and hopefully only) panic or anxiety attack.  I've never felt anything like that and it was a very scary feeling.  I couldn't stop shaking, my heart was pounding and I was crying uncontrollably.  I know what triggered it and I'm fine now.  Well, maybe a little bit shaky.

It goes back to my father's illness and me taking care of him.  I was assigned to work in the colorectal cancer research study tonight.  My father and grandmother both died of colon cancer.  I was at my desk reading about the type of research we would be doing and immediately began flashing back.  I felt uncomfortable at first and then my hands began trembling as I was typing.  I decided to go to the restroom and splash water on my face and wrists since I felt hot.  Then I went back to my desk and said "Fuck it" and bummed a smoke from a friend (I was weak).

When I got outside, it began.  I'm pretty sure Rob thought I was losing my mind.  Thank you for helping me keep my shit together!  I made it back inside and had sense enough to talk to the "sensible" supervisor.  He immediately took me into an office and I explained what was going on.  I was instantly removed from the project.  My relief was immediate.

Later I managed to speak to my friend at work I call "My Old Army Buddy."   He told me what I was feeling was PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder).  I tried to deny it.  I was never anywhere close to combat!   He grabbed and shook me and said  "But you were in trauma!"   And I guess I was.  I was fighting my memories.  I was fighting my Dad's cancer. I was fighting my mind.

I surrender. So I'm using this as my platform to say "Please, please get tested for colorectal cancer.  I know..oh how I know the tests are terrible..but it can save your life!!"   Please support Wounded Warriors Project and the American Cancer Society.  I'm going to bed now.